My 30th birthday

I turned 30!! 

This happened a year ago.

But I have to admit, it didn’t feel very celebratory. I went to dinner with my girlfriends, followed by a quick stop at the bar next-door and drank water. For reals. 

I know I had a great time at dinner and afterwards, but I can’t really recall any particulars. I love my girlfriends and I love the fact that they made me celebrate even when I was in no mood to do so. One very pregnant girlfriend even drove over half hour to share an expensive birthday dinner with me... while less than a week away from her due date!! I’m pretty sure when one of them asked what I wanted to do for my birthday, I replied something along the lines of “mumble, mumble, whatever…”

So I showed up late to my own party in that “let’s-get-this-over-with” sort of way that comes from feeling hopelessly numb, which I think is the best way to describe my state of mind at the time. 

I didn't care that I was turning 30, what should otherwise be a somewhat milestone age.  I didn't care about damn near anything, to be honest. I don't remember much at all of my days up until maybe mid last year. Even after that, details are fuzzy, save for a few scattered out-of-town trips I've been lucky enough to be able to take. 

My girlfriends gathered to celebrate me, to share with me, to laugh with me, and not only did I not appreciate it in the way I should have, but all I have is this grainy cell phone photo to remember it by. 

{That pink lei still hangs from my rear-view mirror.}

 Unacceptable.

I should have made a spectacle! I should have danced and sang and talked too loudly for my own good.

I should have celebrated!

I hope this year I do better. At celebrating. At enjoying. At being less numb and more present. At seeing all the signs that point to me being blessed and loved and cared-for.

And I hope I do that on more days than just my birthday.

So this week, there will be spectacles and dancing and singing and loud talking. There will be pictures taken and blessings counted. There will be cake.

Even if it's just me or even if I need to pretend a little, I must celebrate.